You may know what I do for a living, what sport I play, who I hang out with often, what I’ve had for breakfast, lunch or dinner. You may know the places I’ve been, where I’ve gone to school and the names of my siblings. You may even know how many lovers I’ve had, where my next destination will be and who I just had a fight with.

But do you know my dreams? What makes me truly happy, and what “word” can bring me down? What do I fear the most and where do I really want to be? What makes me cry, over and over? And how do I see myself, and the people around me? Do you know the hurts I’ve been, the joys that I love to reminisce about?

Do you know me? Because, really if you don’t, let’s not kid ourselves. Just say you don’t know me.  ”You don’t know me.”  And it’s okay. That’s not because of you. That’s because of me.

You see, I don’t even know me.

This is the one post I look forward to.  Year after year.  I just re-read my past “5″”s and it’s nice to reminisce.  Just to see how much some things have never changed, and how some seems to be lightyears away.

Here now is my top 5.

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Yes, tao po ako. Nakakaramdam ng sakit pag…
- napagiwanan
- napagsabihan
- nasaktan
- nabastos
- hindi binigyan ng halaga
- napabayaan
- nasakal
- nagselos
- napahiya
- natapakan ng pride o ng ego

at higit sa lahat…

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Ang taong nag tatago ay nag hihintay lang para sa taong mag hahanap sa kanya.

Monday. 2:30 am. In a few hours         I need to be up for work. But you keep me up. You kept me up. You, my beautiful mistake, will be my reason for another zombie-like work week.

Thinker vs. Feeler. I remember a seminar jargon — wave your brain goodbye.  A few years back, I made a mistake. And instead of over analyzing the situation, I was asked to feel. How did I feel, what can I do to change the situation, if I cannot do anything, change how I felt about the situation.

In a nutshell, I can feel crappy, but that really is upto me. That is my choice.

I’m jumping — but I have point (I think, pls bear with me).

I was saying I made a mistake and now I spent all night thinking about it. Thinking. Not feeling. A friend asked how I felt. And I honestly did not know what to say. How “dead” is that? So instead I stayed up. Thinking, not about the fix I’m in, but how come I’ve stopped feeling.

Its almost 9am and after resting a bit, my answer to myself is… you. You gave me reasons not to feel. In a roundabout, I stopped feeling because of you.

My post doesnt make sense. Thats what you get for thinking all night and finishing up while still groggy.

Ugh!

I love myself too much to allow others to treat me like shit.

I ran in the oval last night and I hope that this officially starts my training for my 10k run in December. I didnt time myself though. Next time i will.

When I got home, my housemates asked me how far I ran. I said 6 laps. They were genuinely surprised saying they wouldnt last as long. I told them that was only 2.5 km, barely what i needed to accomplish. Awws and aahhs. My teammates in dragonboat would not be as impressed, though, but a nice feeling nonetheless.

———-

It’s like playing musical chairs. I moved yet again, but not offices. Just my seat. It’s my nth so I really have no feeling of ownership anymore. The funny thing is, I would have loved this seat a year and a half back, and hated it a year back. I’d say this is my version of reassuring myself that Ive healed, because now I can sit anywhere and still be okay.

———-

Achieving balance is my mantra this week. So far so good. Let’s see, I am thinking how to fuel just 1 more side and I should be very much ok. Life is good.

I dont know what makes you tick, what makes you hurt, what pleases or excites you. I dont know you, aside from the superficial. So if Ive hurt you, Im sorry. I apologize for me being me. And hopefully you will forgive me. Kse gusto na kita makilala. Para mangyari yun, you have to let me in.

Pasensya talaga.

If I’ve given up on you, does it mean it was never love to begin with?